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Children feel strong connections to their home, school, and neighborhood - and the people around them. Talking about bodies, boundaries, and feelings helps build safe, stable, and warm relationships between children and the adults in their lives. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, healthy relationships and open communication can build children’s strengths, help them deal with stressful or unsafe situations, and support their long-term health and wellness.
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I want to learn more about... Building My Skills Starting the Conversation Talking about Child Sexual Abuse |
You may have a lot of questions about how to begin these conversations.
We've broken down some common ones below:
When should I start talking to my child?
It is never too soon to start. Children's bodies and minds begin to grow from birth. You can begin talking with them about their bodies and feelings as soon as they are born. You can name all body parts just as you would name a knee or an ear when they are toddlers. When children get older you can describe how body parts work. When discussions of feelings come up you can talk with them about safe feelings, uncomfortable feelings, and when to talk to a grown up. While these topics can sometimes be uncomfortable, children are curious. They will be able to absorb these ideas very early. You can revisit them again and again to help them learn complicated ideas. Adults should do what they think is best depending on the child’s age, but the important thing is to have the conversation.
I've already talked to my child, I'm all set right?
It is great that you've had a conversation with your child about their bodies, boundaries, and keeping healthy! However, it is not a one-time thing. Talking openly and directly about sexuality teaches children that it is okay to talk to you when they have questions. Making healthy sexuality a part of routine conversations helps make the topic normal.
What should I talk to my child about?
Talk to your children about sexuality and sexual abuse in ways they can understand. Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the words to ask questions and talk about those body parts. Teach children that some parts of their bodies are private. Teach your child boundaries and that it’s okay to say “no” to touches that make them uncomfortable or scared. Be in the moment while talking to your child. Listen to them. Believe what they say.
Do I have to use biological terms?
Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the language to ask questions and share if they are worried about those body parts. Knowing the names may also make children less vulnerable to sexual abuse. Some offenders know that children who are comfortable with the right names for body parts are children who can describe what has happened. Using the right terms for body parts gives children a tool to keep themselves safe and to have control over their bodies from childhood through adulthood.
Are they going to starting blurting out "penis" and "vagina"?
They might. As children learn new words, they might practice saying them. This can be an excellent teaching moment - even if it's embarrassing. We want children to talk openly and directly about bodies and sexuality, and there are appropriate places to talk about it and people to talk about it with. There is a time and a place - just like using the bath or the toilet.
Should I tell my family members they can't hug or kiss my child?
Children need to know that they have control over their own bodies. They get to say who can and can’t touch them (unless it's about health or safety). When a child tells us that they do not want to be touched, hugged, or kissed, we need to respect them and not make a big deal about it. Remind family members that it is not meant to be personal. The child may offer some other form of affection that they are more comfortable with - a handshake, a hug, or a high five.
Who else should I be talking to?
It's a good idea to talk to any adults who are important in you and your child's life about these ideas. You can ask your childcare provider how they talk about bodies and respecting body parts. You can talk with your family about family rules about bodies and privacy. You can talk with other adults in your life about your family rules. And you can talk with community and youth organizations about how to work together to do more to prevent child sexual abuse.
For more specific questions about responding to child sexual abuse, please check out our Your Questions page for more information.
We've broken down some common ones below:
When should I start talking to my child?
It is never too soon to start. Children's bodies and minds begin to grow from birth. You can begin talking with them about their bodies and feelings as soon as they are born. You can name all body parts just as you would name a knee or an ear when they are toddlers. When children get older you can describe how body parts work. When discussions of feelings come up you can talk with them about safe feelings, uncomfortable feelings, and when to talk to a grown up. While these topics can sometimes be uncomfortable, children are curious. They will be able to absorb these ideas very early. You can revisit them again and again to help them learn complicated ideas. Adults should do what they think is best depending on the child’s age, but the important thing is to have the conversation.
I've already talked to my child, I'm all set right?
It is great that you've had a conversation with your child about their bodies, boundaries, and keeping healthy! However, it is not a one-time thing. Talking openly and directly about sexuality teaches children that it is okay to talk to you when they have questions. Making healthy sexuality a part of routine conversations helps make the topic normal.
What should I talk to my child about?
Talk to your children about sexuality and sexual abuse in ways they can understand. Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the words to ask questions and talk about those body parts. Teach children that some parts of their bodies are private. Teach your child boundaries and that it’s okay to say “no” to touches that make them uncomfortable or scared. Be in the moment while talking to your child. Listen to them. Believe what they say.
Do I have to use biological terms?
Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the language to ask questions and share if they are worried about those body parts. Knowing the names may also make children less vulnerable to sexual abuse. Some offenders know that children who are comfortable with the right names for body parts are children who can describe what has happened. Using the right terms for body parts gives children a tool to keep themselves safe and to have control over their bodies from childhood through adulthood.
Are they going to starting blurting out "penis" and "vagina"?
They might. As children learn new words, they might practice saying them. This can be an excellent teaching moment - even if it's embarrassing. We want children to talk openly and directly about bodies and sexuality, and there are appropriate places to talk about it and people to talk about it with. There is a time and a place - just like using the bath or the toilet.
Should I tell my family members they can't hug or kiss my child?
Children need to know that they have control over their own bodies. They get to say who can and can’t touch them (unless it's about health or safety). When a child tells us that they do not want to be touched, hugged, or kissed, we need to respect them and not make a big deal about it. Remind family members that it is not meant to be personal. The child may offer some other form of affection that they are more comfortable with - a handshake, a hug, or a high five.
Who else should I be talking to?
It's a good idea to talk to any adults who are important in you and your child's life about these ideas. You can ask your childcare provider how they talk about bodies and respecting body parts. You can talk with your family about family rules about bodies and privacy. You can talk with other adults in your life about your family rules. And you can talk with community and youth organizations about how to work together to do more to prevent child sexual abuse.
For more specific questions about responding to child sexual abuse, please check out our Your Questions page for more information.
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The Children's Safety Partnership is a program of the Maine Coalition Against Sexual Assault (MECASA) and a partnership between MECASA, the Maine Department of Education, Maine's local sexual assault support centers, and schools across the state.