Children feel strong connections to their home, school, and neighborhood - and the people around them. Talking about bodies, boundaries, and feelings helps build safe, stable, and warm relationships between children and the adults in their lives. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, healthy relationships and open communication can build children’s strengths, help them deal with stressful or unsafe situations, and support their long-term health and wellness.
How to talk to kids
Many adults have never talked about bodies, boundaries, or body parts or functions, and may not know how. For some of us, there may have been no talk of bodies, or only one at home or at school in health class. Talking to kids about this can seem scary. Conversation about tough topics is a skill we can practice. The more we do it, the easier it becomes - and it doesn’t have to start with the serious topics.
Some ways to build these skills include:
Spend time listening to what the child has to say (“Tell me more about that.”)
Repeat back what you’ve heard (“I think I heard you say….”)
Ask questions (“What did you think about ….” “How did that make you feel?”)
See things through your child’s eyes ("That must have felt...!")
Acknowledge the child’s feelings (“It sounds like you feel….”)
Allow children to name negative feelings, even if they make you uncomfortable
Avoid making comments or judgments about your child’s character
Admit mistakes or that you don't know (“I’m sorry, I was wrong,” or “I don’t know, but let’s find out together.”)
Use humor—but not at the expense of the child
Speak simply, and know you can come back to a topic over and over.
Some ways to build these skills include:
Spend time listening to what the child has to say (“Tell me more about that.”)
Repeat back what you’ve heard (“I think I heard you say….”)
Ask questions (“What did you think about ….” “How did that make you feel?”)
See things through your child’s eyes ("That must have felt...!")
Acknowledge the child’s feelings (“It sounds like you feel….”)
Allow children to name negative feelings, even if they make you uncomfortable
Avoid making comments or judgments about your child’s character
Admit mistakes or that you don't know (“I’m sorry, I was wrong,” or “I don’t know, but let’s find out together.”)
Use humor—but not at the expense of the child
Speak simply, and know you can come back to a topic over and over.
Conversation starters
A great way to start a conversation with a child in your life is to ask a question. Having regular conversations with children helps you both practice healthy communication and gives you an opportunity to share your values and feelings. Not every conversation needs to be serious or directly about bodies or preventing abuse. Any healthy conversation can increase children’s skills and help you build a stronger relationship.
Some example conversation starters include:
What do you like most about your body?
What are your personal boundaries (or limits)?
What are the boundaries that you have about your personal space?
What are the boundaries that you have about your feelings?
What are the ways that you show your boundaries in life?
How can you tell when someone else is showing you their boundaries?
What are things that you think are important to talk about between friends/parents & kids, etc?
Who is your best friend? Why?
What is the most important thing for parents to do?
There are many online resources that provide help to start conversations-- 100 Conversations is a project that highlights conversation topics, techniques, and ideas that can make a real difference when talking to kids.
Some example conversation starters include:
What do you like most about your body?
What are your personal boundaries (or limits)?
What are the boundaries that you have about your personal space?
What are the boundaries that you have about your feelings?
What are the ways that you show your boundaries in life?
How can you tell when someone else is showing you their boundaries?
What are things that you think are important to talk about between friends/parents & kids, etc?
Who is your best friend? Why?
What is the most important thing for parents to do?
There are many online resources that provide help to start conversations-- 100 Conversations is a project that highlights conversation topics, techniques, and ideas that can make a real difference when talking to kids.
Questions you might have
When should I start talking to my child?
It is never too soon to start. Children's bodies and minds begin to grow from birth. You can begin talking with them about their bodies and feelings as soon as they are born. You can name all body parts just as you would name a knee or an ear when they are toddlers. When children get older you can describe how body parts work. When discussions of feelings come up you can talk with them about safe feelings, uncomfortable feelings, and when to talk to a grown up. While these topics can sometimes be uncomfortable, children are curious. They will be able to absorb these ideas very early. You can revisit them again and again to help them learn complicated ideas. Adults should do what they think is best depending on the child’s age, but the important thing is to have the conversation.
I've already talked to my child, I'm all set right?
It is great that you've had a conversation with your child about their bodies, boundaries, and keeping healthy! However, it is not a one-time thing. Talking openly and directly about sexuality teaches children that it is okay to talk to you when they have questions. Making healthy sexuality a part of routine conversations helps make the topic normal.
What should I talk to my child about?
Talk to your children about sexuality and sexual abuse in ways they can understand. Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the words to ask questions and talk about those body parts. Teach children that some parts of their bodies are private. Teach your child boundaries and that it’s okay to say “no” to touches that make them uncomfortable or scared. Be in the moment while talking to your child. Listen to them. Believe what they say.
Do I have to use biological terms?
Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the language to ask questions and share if they are worried about those body parts. Knowing the names may also make children less vulnerable to sexual abuse. Some offenders know that children who are comfortable with the right names for body parts are children who can describe what has happened. Using the right terms for body parts gives children a tool to keep themselves safe and to have control over their bodies from childhood through adulthood.
Are they going to starting blurting out "penis" and "vagina"?
They might. As children learn new words, they might practice saying them. This can be an excellent teaching moment - even if it's embarrassing. We want children to talk openly and directly about bodies and sexuality, and there are appropriate places to talk about it and people to talk about it with. There is a time and a place - just like using the bath or the toilet.
Should I tell my family members they can't hug or kiss my child?
Children need to know that they have control over their own bodies. They get to say who can and can’t touch them (unless it's about health or safety). When a child tells us that they do not want to be touched, hugged, or kissed, we need to respect them and not make a big deal about it. Remind family members that it is not meant to be personal. The child may offer some other form of affection that they are more comfortable with - a handshake, a hug, or a high five.
Who else should I be talking to?
It's a good idea to talk to any adults who are important in you and your child's life about these ideas. You can ask your childcare provider how they talk about bodies and respecting body parts. You can talk with your family about family rules about bodies and privacy. You can talk with other adults in your life about your family rules. And you can talk with community and youth organizations about how to work together to do more to prevent child sexual abuse.
For more specific questions about talking about child sexual abuse, please check out our Your Questions page for more information.
It is never too soon to start. Children's bodies and minds begin to grow from birth. You can begin talking with them about their bodies and feelings as soon as they are born. You can name all body parts just as you would name a knee or an ear when they are toddlers. When children get older you can describe how body parts work. When discussions of feelings come up you can talk with them about safe feelings, uncomfortable feelings, and when to talk to a grown up. While these topics can sometimes be uncomfortable, children are curious. They will be able to absorb these ideas very early. You can revisit them again and again to help them learn complicated ideas. Adults should do what they think is best depending on the child’s age, but the important thing is to have the conversation.
I've already talked to my child, I'm all set right?
It is great that you've had a conversation with your child about their bodies, boundaries, and keeping healthy! However, it is not a one-time thing. Talking openly and directly about sexuality teaches children that it is okay to talk to you when they have questions. Making healthy sexuality a part of routine conversations helps make the topic normal.
What should I talk to my child about?
Talk to your children about sexuality and sexual abuse in ways they can understand. Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the words to ask questions and talk about those body parts. Teach children that some parts of their bodies are private. Teach your child boundaries and that it’s okay to say “no” to touches that make them uncomfortable or scared. Be in the moment while talking to your child. Listen to them. Believe what they say.
Do I have to use biological terms?
Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the language to ask questions and share if they are worried about those body parts. Knowing the names may also make children less vulnerable to sexual abuse. Some offenders know that children who are comfortable with the right names for body parts are children who can describe what has happened. Using the right terms for body parts gives children a tool to keep themselves safe and to have control over their bodies from childhood through adulthood.
Are they going to starting blurting out "penis" and "vagina"?
They might. As children learn new words, they might practice saying them. This can be an excellent teaching moment - even if it's embarrassing. We want children to talk openly and directly about bodies and sexuality, and there are appropriate places to talk about it and people to talk about it with. There is a time and a place - just like using the bath or the toilet.
Should I tell my family members they can't hug or kiss my child?
Children need to know that they have control over their own bodies. They get to say who can and can’t touch them (unless it's about health or safety). When a child tells us that they do not want to be touched, hugged, or kissed, we need to respect them and not make a big deal about it. Remind family members that it is not meant to be personal. The child may offer some other form of affection that they are more comfortable with - a handshake, a hug, or a high five.
Who else should I be talking to?
It's a good idea to talk to any adults who are important in you and your child's life about these ideas. You can ask your childcare provider how they talk about bodies and respecting body parts. You can talk with your family about family rules about bodies and privacy. You can talk with other adults in your life about your family rules. And you can talk with community and youth organizations about how to work together to do more to prevent child sexual abuse.
For more specific questions about talking about child sexual abuse, please check out our Your Questions page for more information.
Resources for talking about child sexual abuse
10 Conversations to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse
Enough Abuse Campaign
This is a free, educational email series of lessons sent to subscribers biweekly via email.
Enough Abuse Campaign
This is a free, educational email series of lessons sent to subscribers biweekly via email.
Talking to Children and Teens
Stop it Now!
This page gives ideas for talking with children and teens about many issues relating to sexual health.
Stop it Now!
This page gives ideas for talking with children and teens about many issues relating to sexual health.
Resources for Parents: Talking to Your Child
National Sexual Violence Resource Center
This resource focuses on increasing a parent's comfort and knowledge when talking to their child about sex.
National Sexual Violence Resource Center
This resource focuses on increasing a parent's comfort and knowledge when talking to their child about sex.
Be an Askable Parent
Iwannaknow
Children are more likely to talk to an approachable parent, check out this website to see if you're an askable parent.
Iwannaknow
Children are more likely to talk to an approachable parent, check out this website to see if you're an askable parent.
Talk With Your Kids: Timeline and Tips
California Family Health Council
This timeline and tips are meant to help parents build trust and mutual respect with their kids and start an ongoing conversation with them as they develop and grow.
California Family Health Council
This timeline and tips are meant to help parents build trust and mutual respect with their kids and start an ongoing conversation with them as they develop and grow.
For all Parents
Sexuality Resource Center for Parents
This website is a tool created to help parents raise sexually healthy and happy children.
Sexuality Resource Center for Parents
This website is a tool created to help parents raise sexually healthy and happy children.
There's No Place Like Home...For Sex Education
Advocates for Youth
This resource helps families talk more openly about sexuality.
Advocates for Youth
This resource helps families talk more openly about sexuality.
Parents Sex Ed Center
Advocates for Youth
This resource helps families talk more openly about sexuality.
Advocates for Youth
This resource helps families talk more openly about sexuality.
Talking With Kids
PBS
This page includes information for parents looking to connect and talk with their kids. It offers positive ways to talk and listen and age-by-age insights.
PBS
This page includes information for parents looking to connect and talk with their kids. It offers positive ways to talk and listen and age-by-age insights.
How to Talk With Kids About Terrible Things
NPR
This article provides information for parents and teachers in talking to kids about difficult world events. It is not specific to child sexual abuse, but the help offered is useful.
NPR
This article provides information for parents and teachers in talking to kids about difficult world events. It is not specific to child sexual abuse, but the help offered is useful.
Talking to Your Kids About Sexual Assault
RAINN
This website offers help and ideas for starting conversations about safety when your kids are young, and how to continue into their teenage years.
RAINN
This website offers help and ideas for starting conversations about safety when your kids are young, and how to continue into their teenage years.
Keep Your Children Safe & Healthy
Talk With Your Kids
This website offers help and ideas for starting conversations about safety when your kids are young, and how to continue into their teenage years.
Talk With Your Kids
This website offers help and ideas for starting conversations about safety when your kids are young, and how to continue into their teenage years.
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The Children's Safety Partnership is a program of the Maine Coalition Against Sexual Assault (MECASA) and a partnership between MECASA, the Maine Department of Education, Maine's local sexual assault support centers, and schools across the state.