There are a lot of fears about child sexual abuse. The good news is that there are many things we can do to give kids more information and control over their bodies. We can also change the way we all think and talk about bodies and boundaries with kids starting at birth. This page will help you learn some of the rules or ideas that can help keep children safer now and as they grow into young adults.

For more information about child sexual abuse, why it happens, and how to  respond to it, visit our  Your Questions  page.

Talk, and keep talking

Talking with kids about sexual abuse should be something that happens a lot, not just one time. These can be casual conversations that take place any time during your normal routine or when your child has a question or comment that gives you an opening. Keep talks plain and simple and make sure your child knows that he or she can always come to you with questions. If you make a habit of talking to your children about their daily activities, listening to their concerns and caring about their feelings, they'll feel safer coming to you if something happens. The talk page has many more tips on conversation starters to get you going. 

​Communicate openly

Talking to children in ways they can understand about bodies, boundaries, and sexuality helps them understand how basic human body functions work. It also helps set early habits of talking about things even when they are awkward or confusing. It teaches them that they have the right to say “no.” They become less vulnerable to people who would violate their boundaries. They are more likely to tell you if they are abused. Communicating openly also helps show children what healthy relationships look like and helps set lifelong habits of healthy communication. There are many more resources and conversation starters in the talk section of this website.

Set and respect family boundaries

Everyone has rights to privacy in dressing, bathing, sleeping and other personal activities. If anyone - another adult, or a child who is old enough to understand privacy - does not respect these rights, adults should clearly talk about it. Some families may set family rules about how and when people can have or ask for privacy. 

Teach boundaries by showing children how to say “no.”

Teach children that their “no” about their bodies will be respected, whether it’s  playing, tickling, hugging or kissing, no matter who the other person is, and no matter when. 

​Use the proper names of body parts

Just as we teach children that a nose is a nose, they need to know what to call their genitals. This knowledge gives children correct language to understand their bodies, to ask questions, and to tell about any behavior that could lead to sexual abuse.

​Be clear about the difference between okay and inappropriate touches

For younger children, teach more concrete rules such as “talk with me if anyone - family, friend, or anyone else - touches your private parts.” Some families use the "health and hygiene" rule - touching private parts is only okay when it is by a parent, caregiver, or doctor, and only to keep children clean and safe (or healthy and hygienic). Also teach kids that these rules apply to them. They should not touch other's private parts. Tell kids that private part touches are never okay even when they or other people use threats, special treats, guilt, or other tactics. 

Respect children's right to learn their own bodies

It is natural and normal for children to explore their own bodies. Many children discover between the ages of two and six that their private parts may feel better or different than other parts of their bodies. This can makes adults uncomfortable. It can be helpful to remember that children are learning how their bodies work. It's not 'wrong' or 'dirty'. Help them understand that those feelings and touches are okay, but they may also be private, like using the toilet. 

Children may also explore their bodies with other children. Sexual play that is safe and normal is usually:
    Between children who have an ongoing mutually enjoyable play and/or school friendship.
    Between children of similar size, age, and social and emotional development.
    Lighthearted and spontaneous. The children may be giggling and having fun when you discover them.
 
When adults set limits (for example, children keep their clothes on at day care), children are usually able to understand and follow the rules.

​Be clear about the difference between secrets and surprises

​Explain the difference between secrets and surprises. Surprises are fun and exciting. Part of the fun is that the surprise will be revealed after a short period of time. Secrets keep other people away often because the information will create upset or anger. When keeping secrets with just one person becomes routine, children are more vulnerable to abuse. Tell children that no secret needs to stay a secret if someone is being hurt or made uncomfortable. 

​Help children understand many kinds of feelings

Talk with children about many kinds of feelings. Tell them it's okay to be happy, sad, angry, scared, and more, but help them to know what feelings they should talk about with a safe adult. If another person is making them feel afraid, uncomfortable, guilty, anxious - or even if they have 'bad belly' about it - it's always okay to talk about those feelings with a safe adult. 

If you suspect abuse or a child has disclosed abuse

Do not question the child. Investigators are trained to ask the right questions and get the information they need.
Listen to the child and keep calm.
Write down what the child says and what you observe.
Be honest and don’t make promises you may not be able to keep. (“The offender will go to jail” or “You will never have to see them again.”)
Do not confront the suspected offender.
Report it!